I've been trying to write a post here and I find I'm stuck; that is I'm facing serious resistance to writing.
Maybe it's because I want to write something marvelous and thought provoking...something really honest and amazing.
Or maybe it just because Spring and the magic of Beltane is calling me to be out in the natural world (I no longer own a laptop but that's a very sad tale of woe).
Whatever it is, I've been starting and deleting posts for several hours now. I want to write...there are words that want to come out. I decided I'd strong arm myself to sit down and write.
So here I sit, staring at the blank post screen and feeling like I'm beating myself with a cat o' nine tails trying to force the words to come out.
Frustrated with not one word of value coming, I left my computer to put the kettle on to boil, pulled out my favortie chai blend (a white chai w/ayurvedic chai) of loose tea and waited for the water to get to the right temperature.
Waited and listened...
Listened and waited...
Listened to my breath change from short and shallow to long and deep.
Listened to the water as the sound subtly changed from still to very active as it began to boil.
And just like that it became clear.
You see no matter how much I want the water to boil there is nothing I can do to make it boil any faster than its own timing will allow it to.
Sure I can turn up the heat source underneath it or put a lid on the kettle but it still will only reach boiling point when it's ready.
And as I pour the hot water over the tea, the leaves will only infuse the water with it's liquid healing in it's own time
It's all organic timing.
So what if I just stopped trying to force writing to happen and start writing from where I am at right now...just allowing my words to come like I waited for the sound of water at a rolling boil?
What about you? How many times have you tried to force something to happen when it really needed it's organic timing to fully develop?
What is going on with you right now that can benefit from your waiting and listening to your own inner guidance for it to develop?
As I type these words I hear the timer telling me my liquid healing guide is ready to be savored. The writing has come in only 5 minutes...all in it's organic time.
May you find something of value in organic timing too.
Someone is waiting for you.
Someone is waiting to learn from you.
Someone is waiting for you to step into your power and show the way.
Someone is waiting for you to shine the light of your truth so they can see their own.
Someone is waiting for a compassionate smile from you so they can know they matter.
Someone is waiting for you to fill yourself to the brim with goodness and share it with others.
Someone is waiting for you to love yourself deeply enough to set healthy boundaries.
Someone is waiting for you to stop comparing your unique expression of humanity to others.
Someone is waiting for you to stop comparing your insides to their outsides.
Someone is waiting for you to share the lessons you've learned from grief.
Someone is waiting for you to say 'it's alright to grieve deeply'.
Someone is waiting to see Divine energy in human form by connecting with you.
Someone is waiting for you to show up in all of your magnificence
Someone is waiting for you
To be you...
Will you answer the call?
Only a few hours left until I am birthed for another year on this planet. And as I sit with my evening cup of tea, I am reviewing the year behind me. I've gone through a huge transformation during this '0' year; my first full year without my mom, going through my grieving process while being a home support for my husband while he was away in Afghanistan, beginning the home schooling journey with my son, opening to allow my 18 year old daughter to step into her own wise woman self & really moving forward with my business in a big way.
I'm so filled with gratitude to see the beauty in all of the unpredictable yet wonder-filled blessings unfolding in my life.
I've been humbled and honored to share my knowledge of Goddess spiritual teaching in the short time I've put myself out. I'm sharing goddess stories over cups of tea with women all over the US, Canada and Australia so far.
My Mom with a teacher friend, her last school year.
I mused to myself a few days ago that as a teenager I was so filled with resistance at becoming a teacher because everyone around me said I should become a teacher 'like my mom'.
I couldn't imagine myself teaching 'like my mom' who so many students thought hung the moon. She was an amazing classroom teacher who found new and exciting ways to open the minds and hearts of her students to unexplored worlds. She always prayed for guidance to be that one teacher to make a difference for her students. How could I possibly live up to that?
And yet here I am sharing what I know on subjects I love...teaching...just like my mom but not like my mom at all.
And even though it took me a while to get here having to pick up all the many pieces of my teachings over cups of tea in Texas, N. Carolina, Italy, Germany and now Georgia, all of it feel good and vibrant and life affirming. I am so filled with love for myself for showing up, for doing my inner work and now for sharing my light with the world. I am so grateful to everyone showing up as themselves becoming my teachers and endless sources of encouragement along the way.
So what did I learn from my 40th year?
1. Grief is a sacred process and trying to soldier through it with a 'never give up never surrender' kind of attitude makes the grief stronger and harder to cope with.
2. Relaxing into grief, accepted her presence, invited her to tea, and asking her what she had to teach me, helped me move through the toughest bits with more grace and ease.
3. If you look for encouragement you will find it and often not at all where you expected it to be.
4. When you ask for help, you are allowing those around you the opportunity to show you they love you.
5. It is so so true; you can spend a really long time searching for something outside of you but in the end what you were searching for was right with you all along.
I was watching Dionne sleeping while her dreams began their leaping out of her head onto a cloud above
I couldn't stop from peeping because she started weeping and I wondered what was causing her distress.
Her heart was still in grieving her mind still disbelieving that her dear mother no longer walked upon the earth.
And so I went a leaping more moss upon her heaping to offer her the pleasure of some rest.
And then so slowly creeping to her ear I spoke words of easing the vexing dreams to make them all disburse.
You are in my safe-keeping so Dionne cease your weeping and take much comfort in this sacred space."
Last night I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror.
Who was that woman? I thought
A lump grew in my throat tears back I did choke as I heard an old litany taunt:
Her toes are gaudy with sequin shoes on each jewel is so tarnished and faded
Her hips are too wide and so are her thighs no doubt from each cookie jar raided
Her tummy sticks out and there is no doubt there's never been a meal missed.
Her breasts are too large, her shoulders too broad and her flaws? Please don't get me started
But then I looked in to my eyes, dear friends.
I looked deeply into my own eyes.
A lump grew in my throat, tears fell as I spoke a new litany for me to flaunt:
Your toes are sparkly with sequin shoes on, each jewel represents a road traveled.
Your hips are wide yes and so are your thighs the secrets of birth they've unraveled.
Your tummy stands out and there is no doubt you've enjoyed all of my Earthly gifts.
Your breasts nursed your babes, your shoulders relief gave and those so called flaws make you bighearted
You are a reflection of me dear one
A direct incarnation of me
Wipe those tears from your eyes
And let your heart rise
Shine your light for all to see.
So if you catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror and ask who that woman is Pick up my refrain your own praises please sing
And know that you too are Divine
Goddess Tara is one of the most well loved Buddhist Goddesses and is recognized as a Devi in Hindu worship. She can be recognized in three forms; green, red, and white. Green Tara, a more dynamic manifestation, symbolizes a youthful vigor and activity, while Red Tara, symbolizes longevity and healing. White Tara represents the motherly aspect of compassion. She bears the color of purity, truth, and maturity.
White Tara is often pictured in a posture with her right hand making the boon granting gesture and her left hand in the protection position holding the stem of a white lotus flower between her thumb and fourth finger. Goddess Tara is a Buddha having attained enlightenment, she can take human form yet remain with every living thing in oneness. In Sanskrit, the name Tara means Star.
Choosing love and openness causes our energy to vibrate at a higher frequency making us more sensitive to the harsher lower level frequencies where fear, hatred and unhealthy expressions of anger vibrate. As we move through these last days of Mercury in Retrograde helping us examine the way we communicate to ourselves and others, keep in mind the message of White Tara; you are becoming increasingly sensitive; avoid harsh relationships, environments, situations and chemicals.