Hello Resistance my old friend
I feel you holding me back from doing some of the things 
that need to get done.  What are you showing up as today?  
Fear?  Uncertainty?  Worry?  Not enoughness? All of these 
and maybe a little something else?  

It's okay.  

I acknowledge you are there trying to keep me safe.
I understand you're trying to protect me from showing my 
vulnerability so that I won't have my feelings hurt.  It feels so scary 
to put myself out there. But right now I'm remember what we discovered 
while walking on the beach.

We discovered the truth.  

And since we know the truth, we're going to let all the things
inside of us come out and not hold back any of it.  
We're going to show up in all of our bigness 

So it's totally okay for you to go into this lovely purple room
and curl up on the red velvet couch I put in there especially for you.  
Here are some crayons and the softest blank paper in the world and 
the most fun coloring books for you.  

And whenever your ready there's your favorite tea and the most delicious 
scones on the tea waiter by the fire place.  And if you choose to take a nap, 
I'll cover you with softest hand knit blanket...the one made out of the chunkiest 
Malabrigo yarn in a dye lot especially mixed for you.  

When I knit it for you I weaved in spells and incantations to reassure 
you that we are safe, we are supported, we are loved and we are accepted
in doing this big big work.  

As we go along, I promise I will create containers of safety around you.  

I'll use druming and dancing and getting out into nature to shift stuff 
and reassure you of your beauty.  I'll make sure that you know that no 
matter what, my worth is not tied up around any of the things I create to 
share with others.  

We are worthy...I am worthy of all the things I am working towards. 
That truth feels like freedom my friend.  And I promise to keep stepping 
into that truth.  I'll keep seeking support and holding the image of what it feels 
like to be free.  

So rest dear resistance...you've done your job 
and now it's time for me to do mine.

*****************
If you're interested in finding a deeper connection to the elements in a simple yet profound way, I invite you to participate in the fall session of 
The Way of Tea starting September 17.

A friend of mine is about to deliver her fourth child. Her baby shower is tomorrow and instead of just writing out good wishes in a book I thought it would be great to give her some prayer flags with our wishes for her on them so she can hang them up and know that we are with her in spirit encouraging her. So when I checked today's wish cast Wednesday question I had to smile.

What do I wish to share?

I wish to share love and peace and joy with my friend and with all mamas who are choosing natural child birth after choosing other ways prior. I wish to share with them how much I believe in them and their body's ability to do what it was designed to do even after man's intervention. And I wish to share with them that no matter how their birth experience is, it is exactly right for them.

While creating The Way of Tea (registration is open by the way)
I ran into this space over and over again.  Finally I wrote a letter to myself about it.    I hope it helps you too.

Here you are again.  
That place that always seems to crop up when you least expect it.  
Here you are making your merry way on the road to creating sharing
your gifts and you hit the wall; a space made up of fear and 
limiting beliefs spackled together with inner critic glue. 

It seems like each time you push past one piece of the wall
it changes positions.  You know some of the triggers that make 
you more susceptible the wall; too much caffeine, unhealthy food, 
not enough sleep or  being around people that drain the joy out of you. 
Most days you do your best to avoid these traps but occasionally you 
smack face first into the wall. 

And it sucks. 

But guess what?
You're still on the right path!

This wall of suck is just a false alarm!
And you are a magical being!  
You can make this wall crumble if you just 
remember a couple of things.  

This is part of your process.   These feeling 
and fearful stuck suckness have come up for healing.  
Feel your feelings...super important because unexpressed feeling makes inner critic glue stronger. 

Thing Two.  You don't have to keep your face smooshed against the suck wall.  You can choose 
your response.  Go for a walk, , take a nap, dance, 
drink a glass of water.

Bang a gong...just don't do what the fear suck says
that's the key to defeating it.

More often than not at the bottom of that suck wall are seeds 
for a beanstalk of hope and ideas just waiting for you to use 
your magic to help it grow.  

Grow your magic beanstalk.  Propel yourself  over the wall. 

Breathing here and now.

With this breath in...all will be well.

With this breath out...inner blockages are being removed 

With this breath in...focused like a hummingbird on all the
sweetness 

With this breath out...fears and criticism are smoothed out.

With this breath in...reconnect with Divine essence 
and infused by

Goddess Athena with wisdom

Goddess Bast with a playful spirit

Goddess Isis with the gift of magic

Goddess Kuan Yin with a heart full of compassion

With Mercury in Retrograde, I really hesitated 
on answering today's wish casting question. I firmly 
believe Mercury is bringing the way we communicate 
with ourselves, others and the world to light with the little 
problems that tend to crop up during this time.

During Mercury in retrograde my inner critic tends to 
get really active with its attempts to sabotage my forward 
momentum.

To balance this time we're also in the new moon window 
This is when I normally dream of what I want my month to 
look like. With the new moon in Cancer it's all about what 
needs to be nurtured.

This brings me back to Jamie's question
Given all these considerations
What do I  wish to start?

I wish to start applying the tools i have to quiet dismantle
the arguments my inner critic has for keeping me small. 
I wish to start paying closer attention to how I need to 
support myself emotionally when challenges arise.
And during those challenging times I wish to start listening 
to the uncertainty I feel for what its trying to teach me.

And I wish to start this by paying attention to my breath.

"Come to me" She whispered in my dreams
"I have secrets to share and answers to give."

It had been more than a year since I last went to the beach 
and I was feeling her call grow increasingly louder as the
summer days rolled by.  I made up excuses why I couldn't go
but the dreams had become so real I could smell the salty tang
of ocean air hanging in the room every time I woke up.  

Despite forecasts of thunderstorms and rain, I made my plans
to go to my favorite beach.  

The 6 hour drive was filled with challenges; heavy traffic and 
patches of rain so dense it forced us off the road to wait for it to
let up.  I waited patiently observing my breath.  

Smooth and even.  Not at all jagged or shallow.
It was different this time...I was different this time.  

In the last few years I've taken broken bits of myself to 
Mama Mer for healing.  Now I returned to her feeling 
complete, whole and ready to ask for what's next. 

I opened my heart as I opened my hands offering gratitude
for the lessons I've learned this far. 

I planted my feet firmly in the sand and let the waves
wash over them.  Mama Mer washing my feet in her temple
a sacred act acknowledging the physical and spiritual path 
I've walked to get to this space and time.   

The undertow was quite strong  making it easy to feel my inner
water connected to the rhythm of Mama Mer.  I felt very quiet as
if on silent retreat.  And I realized just how much I need this right now. 
I don't have to wait until I'm feeling ragged.  

I can do this because it sustains me so I don't break.

Breathing deeply as I walked the beach in the darkness of a 
moonless sky I asked "what's next?" and quietly waiting for 
her answer. 

Many things came to me along the beach at night.  
Ideas and projects to be shared that are starting to incubate 
within me.  So many exciting things just waiting to be born.

Along with excitement came the fear of uncertainty.
The surprising thing is I'm okay with the uncertainty.  

I don't need to know how everything is going to work out.  
This time I am choosing to take step out on faith because 
there is one truth I am truly and deeply trusting in...

Today's question caught me 
by surprise at what came up from
thinking about being limitless.

When we lived in Europe my son wasn't even thought of.  
And even though we've done a fair amount of road trips to 
states and places in the surrounding area, there really is nothing 
like visiting another country.  

If anything was possible, what would I wish for?

I would wish to take a year or two and travel around the world 
with my family.  I'd start by going back to Europe and picking up the explorations of where we used to live and see how much things have changed or stayed the same in the last ten years. 
I'd love to make some new discoveries too. 

I'd write in a paper journal more often and even share my
experiences on the blog...maybe do a series called
'Tea Rooms Around the World' and share pictures and words.

Though I started my writer's journey when we lived in Europe, 
I didn't write as extensively on paper as I now wish I had and 
those memories are lost with the floppy discs that were corrupted. 
So I'd carry Moleskins with me and my Cannon Selpy mini printer
to get pictures off my camera and into my writing.

Today I celebrate a little over a full month of household order since the Great Purge.  As I sat 
to write about it I almost wished I had taken 
some 'before' pictures of my shameful secret but truthfully, I was too embarrassed.  And if I need
a reminder, I can always look at the background of 
almost every picture I've taken in the last few years and beyond.  

In letting go of so much...stuff there were so many lessons that have come
through for me:

I learned in holding on to stuff I didn't love, 
I was using my I AM spells against myself.  
The truth is I AM a very organized person. 
I just needed to find my own way.

I learned it takes less energy to maintain things 
I love than keeping things just in case.  
This physical purge was also a mental purge as I let go of 
the fear based thinking and filled the space with trust that 
whatever happens, I will have the resources and support
I need to see me through whatever comes up.

I learned I have more space in my day to celebrate 
my mother's memory with pictures and things of hers 
that not only hold her essence for me but are things I truly love.

In letting go of stuff, I let go of the mommy guilt
I had around what I 'should' be able to do.  I have 
a clear knowing of what I can and can't do.  And 
it's all perfect.

I learned for me there is a difference between
giving up and surrendering.

I learned holding on to things was one way I blocked my 
own creativity.  In freeing myself of the stuff, I gave myself 
permission to create and share my gifts with the world.

I'm sure as we move into Mercury Retrograde on Saturday
there will be loads more lessons but I am not feeling so much 
more open to the process now than I have been in the past.   

You can look outside of yourself for the 
answers.  You can ask your friends for advice
You can listen to the experts telling you what to do. 
Trust yourself more than any of these outside resources. 

Go inside and listen to your wisest self.  
Trust that you have the answers.  Get help 
from a coach to map your inner landscape
so you can find the answers

Because ultimately the final decision on what
is best for you has to come from you.

Your intuitive voice wants to help you share 
your gifts with the world.  And I believe that 
intuitive voice is a hot line to Great Spirit.

Trust yourself.  You have the support you need.

Last week, my son finished his level 1 swimming lessons.  Since then we've been going to the neighborhood pool to practice his skills and build that muscle memory in him.  

He's still struggling with floating 
on his back.  As soon as he leans his head back, he tenses up and starts to sink.  

He won't surrender his muscle tension because he doesn't feel safe 
enough to trust the water to support him.  Despite countless times 
of getting water up his nose, he's still willing to keep trying. 
With that willingness, I know he'll get it.

As I was watching him I thought of how similar it is to my personal 
work right now.  I'm having a shift in understanding of what the word
'surrender' actually means.  

By definition, surrender means 'to give oneself up into the power of 
another.' Someone having power over me?  No thank you.  To me 
that feels so wrong.  But I think in my mind I confused surrender 
with giving up which has two distinctly different feelings to me.  

Giving up means I've tried everything I know how and there's nothing
else I can do.  I'm out of ammo, out of ideas, and just plain tired.  Giving 
up has the weight of failure about it...like I have no choice.  Giving up 
feels as though there's no emotional support left and it comes from a closed hearted place.

Surrender feels more like a choice.  Like I've chosen to go with the flow
trusting that whatever happens I'll have the ideas, resources and energy
to face the challenges that come with as much grace and ease as I allow.
Surrender feels as though there is a wealth of emotional support coming
from a heart wide open to trusting the process.  

As my son leans his head back into the water once again, I whisper
'Trust the water.  It will support you if you let it.'  Sounds like pretty
good advice for me as well.