"Mom is dead.  Mom is dead.  Mom is dead.
Maybe if I write it over and over maybe it will sink in
and be real by the time I get off the plane."

These were the words  I wrote as I settled in for the 2 hour
flight back home....well back to where my mom had lived. 
She wasn't there any more and from that moment on
Texas stopped being home. 

Mom named me the excutrix of the estate.
Estate...sounds so fancy and elegant. 
It just means everyone is dead. 

I wanted to run away from this.

I didn't want to do it but I had to
had to be the strong one,
the pulled together one, the one who made the decisions
and got things taken care of...that is if I could silence the howling
anguished screaming voice in my brain long enough to hear myself think. 

Whose voice was that any way?  Oh yea...it was mine.

The pain of this grief was like nothing I'd ever experienced before. 
I was so raw...feeling like I had severe burns on my body. 
And there was nothing anyone could do.
Nothing I could tell them to do to help me feel better. 

The grief books suggest not making any rash changes in the
early stages.  Someone should have told the company I worked for at
the time.

Despite my best efforts to keep my life as much the same
as I possibly could, a little more than a year later
I wasn't feeling any better.

I tried all my usual coping mechanisms; sleeping, journaling, listening to music,
eating way too many cookies yet I was still...empty.

When they say time heals all wounds, they don't have any idea what you can
do while your waiting.  With all the final arrangements complete
and nothing left but the task of picking up the piece of my life and moving forward,

I begged my matron Goddesses to help me
pleading with them to find something for me
to fill the emptiness.

'I need something to take this pain away.
How can I move forward?' I asked.
Goddess Athena answered, "With yarn and needles."

So I took up knitting.
 
A friend and I had talked about learning to knit
before all of this had happened and I had made
an unsuccessful attempt to suggested we take a class at the local yarn shop. 
I signed up immediately and as soon as I walked in I was hooked.  

The ladies greeted me warmly and encouraged me to touch every fiber in the shop.

The textures! The richness of color!
And the choice of natural fibers...
it is nearly impossible for me to describe how warm
and comforting the simple clean smell of wool
was to my broken spirit.

I wanted to buy it all and make myself a chrysalis

Once we settled in for class and I understood the basics of casting on,
knitting and purling I was left with the others to finish the pattern for a small scarf. 
And the needles and yarn worked together weaving their healing spell
upon me.

Click (the needles touched)
Swish (the yarn looped across them)
Click
Swish

By the end of the class, I started to feel a renewed clarity and sense of
purpose I thought I had lost.  I felt better than I had in months.
I promised I'd be back often. 

I found deep comfort in fiber and sticks.

Whenever I couldn't breath because of sadness
Click
Swish
My breathing smoothed out as Athena guided my
needles and yarn.

Whenever my mind became agitated by the million and one
things on the grief to do list.
Click
Swish
My mind stopped racing as Athena helped me focus
on each pattern.

Whenever I awoke in the middle of the night with my heart beating
out of my chest
Click
Swish
My heart rate slowed as Athena wrapped her arms around me.

Whenever I couldn't bear one more minute of the loneliness
Click
Swish
My knitting witnessed the pain and sadness.

Athena showed me the way out where others could not.

Stitch after stitch
project after project
I found the healing balm I was searching for.

I came back to life.

It is now a little more than a year since I first stepped into
my local yarn shop and more than two years since my
mom went on her rainbow journey.
I still go back every week.

But not because of the grief.

For joy of new yarn in the shop, learning new techniques
for the new friends celebrating finished projects and admiring others work
For all of these things filling much of the space left by mom's physical absence. 

Knitting brought me closer to Goddess in
a time when I needed her most.

And I am deeply grateful for the connection.

Some unresolved things I thought I had dealt with from my
childhood with my alcoholic dad have come up.
I found this pocket of anger around how his inability to
take responsibility for his actions have shaped
my habits today...like how I become overly concerned
about developing an addiction of any kind.

Even though I've done quite a bit of work to heal our relationship
before and after he passed away, it feels like there's still so much
more to do.  I wrote a little more about the challenge of embracing the shadow
It's sometimes tough work but I do have a really effective tool to
help me for which I am really grateful. 

So Jamie asks today, 'What do you wish to let go of?"

This is perfect timing because we are within the
New Moon in Scorpio, which brings shadow in
any area of your life to light and helps you to
clear your watery emotional realm.

Obviously I've been shown the shadows that
need clearing.

So tonight with the help of Scorpio new moon,
I wish to let go of the shadows of addiction
that have come back up. 

I wish to gain a deeper understanding of him
and his human experience so I can truly let go of
the anger while sending him forgiveness, compassion
and love on his rainbow journey.

For those new here, I'm Dionne Ruff-Sloan
the Tea Priestess.  I am an ordained minister and head mistress of Lady D. Berry's Tea Parties~bringing the magic of tea and Goddess spirituality to the world. 

Through Lady D. Berry's Tea Parties, I create in home English style tea parties for women and their guests and online I create the sacred atmosphere of a tea party to be able to share teachings about Goddess spirituality.

I am honored to be a part of the Superhero Mastermind Blog Tour.  I encourage you
to check out all the wonderful offering from each of the folks doing their best to change
the world starting with themselves.

Today I want to share a mini workshop with you on something that helped me get a clear picture of what was holding me back from financial abundance.

Writing a letter to money can bring up a lot stuff.  In order
to move through it with as much grace and ease as possible
I suggest, throwing yourself a tea party to create the most
comfortable and comforting space for yourself as
possible to do this work. 

To give you some ideas on how to set the mood,
I'm giving away my ebook,
Sanctuary for the Soul (How to throw a tea party and reclaim your spirit)

To enter, follow me on Twitter and or sign up for my newsletter
and leave a comment on this post
You can enter until Friday, 28 October
Winners will be announced on Monday, 31 October. 

Thanks so much for stopping by and good luck in all your entries!
Next up is the wonderful Vera Lothian

This weekend as well as most of today
I felt the need to be away from technology
and out enjoying the deliciousness of
Autumn. 

So I took my Oracle cards with me to
a nearby labyrinth with the intention
of pulling my cards for the week once
I got to the center.  (You can check out my
Daily Goddess Oracle readings every day on Twitter) .

Artemis came today and as I walked with her out of the labyrinth she had more to
say than could be put in a 140 character post:

Whisper from Artemis:

Your mission is to spread love and light but how can you
do that if you will not take time to recharge yourself?

Rest dear one, be at peace

You have been pushing so hard to get to some place only to push
again to get some where else

When will you rest?  When your beautiful temple collapses from illness and over use? 

Your continual movements are those of an animal that feels the
presence of danger
I say to you now the only danger comes from you not caring for yourself in
a way fitting to your station as Goddess.
You are safe and as I walk beside you and within you know that you are protected from all
manner of harm. 

The amazing Dee Morrison has asked me to be a part
the Superhero Mastermind Blog Tour to celebrate the
launch of her Mastermind Circle!

The Mastermind circle is for people who are looking to improve their relationship with money while share your joys and challenges with
others in a supportive environment. 


As part of the launch, for the next 10 days there will be loads of great
content about creating multiple streams of income, getting right with your money
story and other goodies on the topics financial literacy and metaphysical abundance
from some of the most interesting entrepreneurs around the blog-o-sphere!

There are also great prizes and giveaways from each of the participants!

Today please join the fantastic Suzi Dronzek as she gives us some cosmic dirt
on how the stars are aligning for us!

I was fairly young when most of the alcoholism and
spousal abuse took place and though I know better
now, I always felt more responsible for things
than I really was.   By the time I was a teenager,
I was full of rage at both of my parents; my father
for making my home such a scary place to live and
my mother for staying.

And I felt a deep seated anger with myself as if
I could have done something to prevent the abuse.

This is where I started on my journey to
embrace my shadow stories.

After several counseling sessions, self help books and
deep sharing sessions with friends,I learned to forgive myself;
for not knowing the right thing to do
for not being or acting (fill in the blank) enough to get my
father to stop drinking so much and stop beating my mom.
 
I worked very long and hard with my inner child to let her know
she was safe, protected, valued and loved and there was no reason
for her to hold on to the pain of seeing that abuse any longer. 

But I still felt stuck in some of the same old patterns
even though I knew they were not what was in
my highest good.

A couple of years ago I discovered the tool I use today
Satori, the Radical Forgiveness game.

It is one of the most powerful tools in my medicine bag
and has literally changed my life. 

My first experience playing Satori was very unnerving. 
Through this 'game', I was supposed to just trust God/Goddess/All That Is
would to get to the heart of the matter that needed the healing
power of forgiveness?

There was so much!  How could I possibly
look back at all of it and pick just one?

Besides, it was going to hurt!

But holding on to past hurts is damaging.
Its like a wound filled with dirt and grit.
I had to clean it out thoroughly before I could
put ointment and bandages on it. 

I knew in my heart and head I needed to free the
bound energy in order to move forward.

Satori is like cleaning out a heart wound.
It did hurt to clean out my heart and as I cleaning it
there were tears.  But I've learned tears can be healing

Through this game, I had the opportunity to tell my story
and express my feelings, to say the things
I couldn't as a kid, and have the shadow parts of my
story witnessed and acknowledged in a safe environment. 
And afterward, I didn't have to invest any more energy in the
past.

I played the game and experienced a sacred transformation.

I was tender for several days and had to tend to myself gently
as my heart started to heal. But I felt better than I had in years.

And I was able to forgive my dad for his shadow.

I try to remember to play Satori regularly...call it good
energetic hygiene.

Even though I know it's healing power,
I still struggle with making time to use it.

But I keep going back to it and offering my services as Game mistress
to anyone who seem to have a hard time making peace with their
shadow stories. 

If you would like more information on how to schedule a
game, please feel free to contact me. I'd love to help
you move your stuck energy.

I'm up late so I thought I'd check in with Jamie and see what
juicy goodness she has for this week's Wishcasting. 

What do you wish to make time for?

Easy-peasy wish this week.

Earlier this year I talked about going on
retreat and I still haven't done it.  I
took a break with the family to my
favorite spots in Myrtle Beach, but
I still haven't done anything for
myself personally.

Have I mentioned I'm really good
at making up excuses why I can't
possibly go on retreat? 

My biggest excuse? Fear.
I'm afraid to go on retreat
because I may actually
have the space to create
all the wonderful, Goddess filled
e-courses that I'd like to and
be a success with this business.

I may actually prove to myself
I am powerful beyond measure
like Marianne Williamson says.

So I wish to make time for a weekend
retreat to bask in my own radiance
before the busy~ness of the
holiday season kicks in and takes
over. And I wish to give everyone
reading here permission by osmosis
to retreat and bask in your own radiance too.

I chose a word to be the focus for my year.

My word is self discipline which I defined as
the quest to choose something better for myself.

As we entered August/September, my word
taught me so much about myself!

You know that transition time when
the dog days of Summer are upon us
until just after we hit the Autumnal Equinox?
That is my lowest energetic time of the year.

I've known this for years.

It's the time where I feel most called to slow down
retreat, regroup, reassess. 

Definitely needing cave time, right?

But here's the thing, even though I know
this is my lowest energetic time of the entire year,
I won't allow myself the space to slow down. 

I mean after all we modern
people need to be productive
all the time, right?!

But every time I do this, I set myself up for a great
crash and burn which the last few years feels like it takes me
longer each time to recover and refill. 

Now I realize it takes just as much self discipline to honor
that need for cave time~to refill my inner well so I can give
from my overflow!

So as much as I felt like I had to keep moving forward
keep pushing, pushing, PUSHING....I slowed down...
and then I stopped.

I embraced the changing of the seasons

I listened to the wind rustling in the leaves
and watched quietly as they began to
change colors.

Of course you know what happened, right?

My connection to Goddess renewed,
I felt refreshed...and new ideas started just
flowing out of me instead of being forced out.

So as I moved through September and into October, I decided to
reestablish a sense of rhythm in my home
by doing more simplifying to make it possible for me
to have space to home school and to hand write out some
e`courses that have been begging to be born.

Showing self discipline by honoring my cycles and rhythms

What a wonderful concept!

So once again we are back to another Wishcasting Wednesday practice and the question
Jamie poses in really juicy

How do you wish to be loved?

The easiest answer is of course unconditionally.

But I decided to look up the word 'love' and this
definition struck a cord with me:

Love (v) to like actively; to thrive in

So I putting this together for my own
definition.

Love is being liked in a way that actively
allows you to thrive under it's influence. 


Put into this context it seems
to me that 'love' becomes
a practice....something to always
strive to get better at. 

Which brings me to my wish.

I wish to be loved in a way that
we (all the souls I'm in relationship with)
may thrive~grow vigorously~from being
actively engaged with each other.

And I further wish to be very conscious
of this distinction when I interact with
everyone for however long they are
in my life.