Maybe if I write it over and over maybe it will sink in
and be real by the time I get off the plane."
These were the words I wrote as I settled in for the 2 hour
flight back home....well back to where my mom had lived.
She wasn't there any more and from that moment on
Texas stopped being home.
Mom named me the excutrix of the estate.
Estate...sounds so fancy and elegant.
It just means everyone is dead.
I wanted to run away from this.
I didn't want to do it but I had to
had to be the strong one,
the pulled together one, the one who made the decisions
and got things taken care of...that is if I could silence the howling
anguished screaming voice in my brain long enough to hear myself think.
Whose voice was that any way? Oh yea...it was mine.
The pain of this grief was like nothing I'd ever experienced before.
I was so raw...feeling like I had severe burns on my body.
And there was nothing anyone could do.
Nothing I could tell them to do to help me feel better.
The grief books suggest not making any rash changes in the
early stages. Someone should have told the company I worked for at
Despite my best efforts to keep my life as much the same
as I possibly could, a little more than a year later
I wasn't feeling any better.
I tried all my usual coping mechanisms; sleeping, journaling, listening to music,
eating way too many cookies yet I was still...empty.
When they say time heals all wounds, they don't have any idea what you can
do while your waiting. With all the final arrangements complete
and nothing left but the task of picking up the piece of my life and moving forward,
I begged my matron Goddesses to help me
pleading with them to find something for me
to fill the emptiness.
'I need something to take this pain away.
How can I move forward?' I asked.
Goddess Athena answered, "With yarn and needles."
So I took up knitting.
A friend and I had talked about learning to knit
before all of this had happened and I had made
an unsuccessful attempt to suggested we take a class at the local yarn shop.
I signed up immediately and as soon as I walked in I was hooked.
The ladies greeted me warmly and encouraged me to touch every fiber in the shop.
The textures! The richness of color!
And the choice of natural fibers...
it is nearly impossible for me to describe how warm
and comforting the simple clean smell of wool
was to my broken spirit.
I wanted to buy it all and make myself a chrysalis
Once we settled in for class and I understood the basics of casting on,
knitting and purling I was left with the others to finish the pattern for a small scarf.
And the needles and yarn worked together weaving their healing spell
Click (the needles touched)
Swish (the yarn looped across them)
By the end of the class, I started to feel a renewed clarity and sense of
purpose I thought I had lost. I felt better than I had in months.
I promised I'd be back often.
I found deep comfort in fiber and sticks.
Whenever I couldn't breath because of sadness
My breathing smoothed out as Athena guided my
needles and yarn.
Whenever my mind became agitated by the million and one
things on the grief to do list.
My mind stopped racing as Athena helped me focus
on each pattern.
Whenever I awoke in the middle of the night with my heart beating
out of my chest
My heart rate slowed as Athena wrapped her arms around me.
Whenever I couldn't bear one more minute of the loneliness
My knitting witnessed the pain and sadness.
Athena showed me the way out where others could not.
Stitch after stitch
project after project
I found the healing balm I was searching for.
I came back to life.
It is now a little more than a year since I first stepped into
my local yarn shop and more than two years since my
mom went on her rainbow journey.
I still go back every week.
But not because of the grief.
For joy of new yarn in the shop, learning new techniques
for the new friends celebrating finished projects and admiring others work
For all of these things filling much of the space left by mom's physical absence.
Knitting brought me closer to Goddess in
a time when I needed her most.
And I am deeply grateful for the connection.