"Did you loose a bet?" you asked.
"No" I responded.  
"Then why on earth would you want to wear
 something so ridculous?"  Yesterday I was having
 a bad day and couldn't answer you.  But today I will.  

Why would a grown woman wear a Kermit the Frog hat?

Because it's a magical hat.  

When I wear this hat, it has the ability to transport me back 
in time to see the little girl I was when I watched and smiled 
as Kermit flailed his arms excited about the next guess or 
nervous about trying to hold the show together. 

It makes me smile and brightens my day reminding me of 
some important lessons I learned from Kermit as a kid about 
finding the rainbow connection and remembering that one person…okay one frog believed in me.  He also taught me 
that life is like a movie and if I keep believeing and pretending I could do exactly what I set out to do.  

Some where along the line to growing up, I forgot these things.  
Now I wear a Kermit hat so I'll remember to pass these important
lessons to my son and never forget for myself again.

This hat has the ability to make other people smile.  In those smiles I get to see the little boys and little girls hiding in those smiles along with hopes and dreams of what life would be like for them when they grew up.  For a few minutes,they remember too.  And in some small way, maybe I've brightened their day and made a difference to them if only for a moment.  This hat spreads it's magic to others as they start to do their own impression of the Kermit the Frog voice.  They begin sharing how much they loved the show as a child and which character was their favorite.  And perhaps their day was brightened too.   

Other people heard you.  As I walked in the parking lot they told me how they wish they were as brave as I was to wear that hat.  I don't think of myself as that brave but perhaps I am.  Perhaps wearing this hat is part of the armor I wear as I dream and create and grow into the person I am meant to be.    So I'll continue to wear this ridiculous hat even thouh I haven't lost a bet.  And even though it's warmer out today, I'll put my hat back on and go out into the world again because some one needs to be lifted up if only for a moment.  

So thank you for asking.  Now I know exactly why I love this hat so much.

Despite the Autumn boldness of painting my door from the coral of the old owners to it's beautiful purple crown, I'm still finding it hard to believe this home which was once just a dream is now very much a reality. 

As such I'm having a hard time putting things up on
 the wall and painting  partly because of winter truly 
setting in but most of it stems from resistance and
 years of being focused on not putting too much 
wear and tear on the walls so I can get back a deposit. 

This week I decided to break out and paint a chalkboard wall.
Not a full wall but enough for homeschooling in the room we've dubbed the 'learning library".   

I bought supplies, set up to do it and stood with paint
brush in hand when my friend Resistance came to join me 
What if I do it wrong and damage the wall, what if I don't paint 
it straight, what if I don't like it…what if, what if, what if…

"It's okay," I say aloud to myself as I brushed the primer on the wall, "I trust I can do this and if I don't like it I can always paint it differently."

I remember how similar my thoughts were when I 
first decided to home school (what if I can't teach him, 
what if he doesn't learn, what if we don't like it 
what if, what if, what if)

Yet I didn't let that stop me because in my gut I knew this 
would be the best thing for my son's learning journey.  
And now here I am shifting, learning growing and trusting 
the process for both of us.  

I brushed the first coat of chalkboard paint on thinking how much this experience of resistance matches the resistance I feel as I grow Goddess Tea House (what if no one reads what I write, what if no one likes what I do, what if I can't balance homschooling and running a business, what if, what if, what if). 

Yet here I am sharing this vulnerable piece of me with 
you continuing to show up and grow and shift and trusting 
this process too.  

I brushed the wall with the second coat of chalkboard paint 
and I felt my shoulders relax.  Stepping back, I see I may need 
a third coat but I'm happy with how it's turning out so far.  I'm happy with how our home school journey is going, having 
given myself permission to do it the way that works best for 
both my son and myself.  

I'm happy with the direction Goddess Tea Hose is going 
knowing I can change it any time I want to and it will be 
totally okay.  I feel the resistance fade into the background.  
How amazing is it that working through my resistance to one
thing freed me from resistance to something else?


I feel myself moving one step closer to the 'me' I am meant to be.  

"C'mon Boo boo...we have to watch the sunrise" 
 my son said with great enthusiasm as he burst 
into my room this morning.  I groaned as I turned 
over to look at his face.  

"It's so cold this morning," I thought to myself, 
"I just want to stay in bed for 30 more minutes.  
I wonder if we can see it from my bedroom window" 

All these questions passed from my mind as I saw
the clouds of doubt begin to form on his face.
He thought I wouldn't get up.  

"Okay, go get dressed."   

5 minutes later we stood outside bundled against
the cold, listening to bird song and watching the 
changing light in the sky.  I noticed my breath as 
I stood at the edge of my driveway while he went 
on a little ahead of me.  

No camera or words between us just my son 
and me together in the cold but alone with our 
thoughts as the sun peaked at us between the trees 

He came back to give me a big hug.  
"Thank you for watching this with me.
It was awesome!"  

Yes, yes it was.

"What is the good of your stars and trees, your sunrise and the wind, if they do not enter into our daily lives? "
E.M. Forster

 He looked utterly at ease sitting across from me 
on this cold winter morning, his coat barely buttoned 
against the cold as we headed into the coffee shop.  
We placed our order then found a seat next to the fire, 
more for my benefit than his.  "You scare me" I said 
looking down in to the coffee's depths as I wrapped 
my fingers around the cup letting the warmth work it's 
way through my fingers and thawing my skin.  

"I'm only here at your request.  I want to teach you 
how to live from a place of openness."  he stated plainly. 
 "I know" I said with the cup to my lips drinking deeply
letting the cup linger by my lips, " that's what scares me."  
We sat quietly for a long time after that listening to the 
crackling of the wood as fire consumed it.  

"So you've decided?" he askes leaning forward to take 
my hand in his.  I sighed.  "Yes, I'm ready."  He smiled 
warmly at me as I looked into his eyes."Then let's get started." 

So began my relationship with my word for 2013.

I've been working with words to guide me for the last 3 years
but this time it was different.  The word that chose me felt as though it needed a different approach.  Instead of using 
journaling prompts about what this word would bring to 
my life and what my life would look like if I fully embraced this word, I used creative journaling to write a story about my word.  

I took my journal out for coffee a few days before Winter Solstice and begain to visualize what it would be like to have my word sitting at the table with me.  Using all my senses to describe 
my word, I was most surprised when I discovered my word 'felt' masculine to me.  From there I had a long conversation with 
my word, telling him what I wanted from this year and listening 
for what he was wanting me to know as we started.  

The results were palpable as I journaled fast and furious not noticing time passing around me.  By the time I looked up from the page, hours had passed and I came away with a clear sense that I needed to have something I could wear to keep my word close to me. 

By Solstice my word hung from my wrist tapped into a beautiful bracelet; a soul mantra created by Liz Lamoureax.  After a few weeks of wearing it, I still feel it tingle with possibility. When I look at it, I swear I can sometimes see it jump with my heartbeat as it gently works it's way into the rhythm of my life, a daily reminder to EXPAND my heart, my mind and my spirit.  

And for now I continue to date my word taking it out once
a week exploring the story of this relationship as it develops.  

Here.
Play and cuddle and feel how soft and chunky
The rescued skein has been thoroughly loved.

Here.
Wooden needles click together
weave together bands of color 
fading into color fading into color.

Here.
A memory with every row.
Blueberries green on the bush 
then changing and ripening into 
the delicious fragrance of summer nights.

Here.  
Memories of full moons and fire pits
and circles of power dance around 
me.  A reminder of Goddess within me.