"Come to me" She whispered in my dreams
"I have secrets to share and answers to give."

It had been more than a year since I last went to the beach 
and I was feeling her call grow increasingly louder as the
summer days rolled by.  I made up excuses why I couldn't go
but the dreams had become so real I could smell the salty tang
of ocean air hanging in the room every time I woke up.  

Despite forecasts of thunderstorms and rain, I made my plans
to go to my favorite beach.  

The 6 hour drive was filled with challenges; heavy traffic and 
patches of rain so dense it forced us off the road to wait for it to
let up.  I waited patiently observing my breath.  

Smooth and even.  Not at all jagged or shallow.
It was different this time...I was different this time.  

In the last few years I've taken broken bits of myself to 
Mama Mer for healing.  Now I returned to her feeling 
complete, whole and ready to ask for what's next. 

I opened my heart as I opened my hands offering gratitude
for the lessons I've learned this far. 

I planted my feet firmly in the sand and let the waves
wash over them.  Mama Mer washing my feet in her temple
a sacred act acknowledging the physical and spiritual path 
I've walked to get to this space and time.   

The undertow was quite strong  making it easy to feel my inner
water connected to the rhythm of Mama Mer.  I felt very quiet as
if on silent retreat.  And I realized just how much I need this right now. 
I don't have to wait until I'm feeling ragged.  

I can do this because it sustains me so I don't break.

Breathing deeply as I walked the beach in the darkness of a 
moonless sky I asked "what's next?" and quietly waiting for 
her answer. 

Many things came to me along the beach at night.  
Ideas and projects to be shared that are starting to incubate 
within me.  So many exciting things just waiting to be born.

Along with excitement came the fear of uncertainty.
The surprising thing is I'm okay with the uncertainty.  

I don't need to know how everything is going to work out.  
This time I am choosing to take step out on faith because 
there is one truth I am truly and deeply trusting in...

Today's question caught me 
by surprise at what came up from
thinking about being limitless.

When we lived in Europe my son wasn't even thought of.  
And even though we've done a fair amount of road trips to 
states and places in the surrounding area, there really is nothing 
like visiting another country.  

If anything was possible, what would I wish for?

I would wish to take a year or two and travel around the world 
with my family.  I'd start by going back to Europe and picking up the explorations of where we used to live and see how much things have changed or stayed the same in the last ten years. 
I'd love to make some new discoveries too. 

I'd write in a paper journal more often and even share my
experiences on the blog...maybe do a series called
'Tea Rooms Around the World' and share pictures and words.

Though I started my writer's journey when we lived in Europe, 
I didn't write as extensively on paper as I now wish I had and 
those memories are lost with the floppy discs that were corrupted. 
So I'd carry Moleskins with me and my Cannon Selpy mini printer
to get pictures off my camera and into my writing.

Today I celebrate a little over a full month of household order since the Great Purge.  As I sat 
to write about it I almost wished I had taken 
some 'before' pictures of my shameful secret but truthfully, I was too embarrassed.  And if I need
a reminder, I can always look at the background of 
almost every picture I've taken in the last few years and beyond.  

In letting go of so much...stuff there were so many lessons that have come
through for me:

I learned in holding on to stuff I didn't love, 
I was using my I AM spells against myself.  
The truth is I AM a very organized person. 
I just needed to find my own way.

I learned it takes less energy to maintain things 
I love than keeping things just in case.  
This physical purge was also a mental purge as I let go of 
the fear based thinking and filled the space with trust that 
whatever happens, I will have the resources and support
I need to see me through whatever comes up.

I learned I have more space in my day to celebrate 
my mother's memory with pictures and things of hers 
that not only hold her essence for me but are things I truly love.

In letting go of stuff, I let go of the mommy guilt
I had around what I 'should' be able to do.  I have 
a clear knowing of what I can and can't do.  And 
it's all perfect.

I learned for me there is a difference between
giving up and surrendering.

I learned holding on to things was one way I blocked my 
own creativity.  In freeing myself of the stuff, I gave myself 
permission to create and share my gifts with the world.

I'm sure as we move into Mercury Retrograde on Saturday
there will be loads more lessons but I am not feeling so much 
more open to the process now than I have been in the past.   

You can look outside of yourself for the 
answers.  You can ask your friends for advice
You can listen to the experts telling you what to do. 
Trust yourself more than any of these outside resources. 

Go inside and listen to your wisest self.  
Trust that you have the answers.  Get help 
from a coach to map your inner landscape
so you can find the answers

Because ultimately the final decision on what
is best for you has to come from you.

Your intuitive voice wants to help you share 
your gifts with the world.  And I believe that 
intuitive voice is a hot line to Great Spirit.

Trust yourself.  You have the support you need.

Last week, my son finished his level 1 swimming lessons.  Since then we've been going to the neighborhood pool to practice his skills and build that muscle memory in him.  

He's still struggling with floating 
on his back.  As soon as he leans his head back, he tenses up and starts to sink.  

He won't surrender his muscle tension because he doesn't feel safe 
enough to trust the water to support him.  Despite countless times 
of getting water up his nose, he's still willing to keep trying. 
With that willingness, I know he'll get it.

As I was watching him I thought of how similar it is to my personal 
work right now.  I'm having a shift in understanding of what the word
'surrender' actually means.  

By definition, surrender means 'to give oneself up into the power of 
another.' Someone having power over me?  No thank you.  To me 
that feels so wrong.  But I think in my mind I confused surrender 
with giving up which has two distinctly different feelings to me.  

Giving up means I've tried everything I know how and there's nothing
else I can do.  I'm out of ammo, out of ideas, and just plain tired.  Giving 
up has the weight of failure about it...like I have no choice.  Giving up 
feels as though there's no emotional support left and it comes from a closed hearted place.

Surrender feels more like a choice.  Like I've chosen to go with the flow
trusting that whatever happens I'll have the ideas, resources and energy
to face the challenges that come with as much grace and ease as I allow.
Surrender feels as though there is a wealth of emotional support coming
from a heart wide open to trusting the process.  

As my son leans his head back into the water once again, I whisper
'Trust the water.  It will support you if you let it.'  Sounds like pretty
good advice for me as well.