I almost let you talk me out of showing up. You told me I have nothing to say
today and I should just wait until inspirations strikes before I write something.
So I waited and things got busy during my day and before I knew it, night was
falling in my part of the world. And still you tried to stop me. You told me
it was too late in the evening and that I should just skip today's participation in
Effy's blog along. But the clock hasn't struck midnight yet and I'm not Cinderella.
So here I am with not much to say on day 5.
Today I could have written about how the sun felt warm on my skin as I went for a drive
and how happy I am to finally be able to enjoy the sun since summer here has been so
rainy that we haven't had a chance to do any swimming or camping or other summer fun stuff.
Today I could have written about how the temperature in August is usually stiflingly hot but it was
very mild. Too mild to think about going to the pool or even to run through the fountain in our historic
Today I could have written about how I sat out on my porch swing and knitted for a while but the
birds and cicadas serenaded me with such sweet late summer melodies that soon sleep claimed me.
That lovely nap on the porch was just what my body needed.
I even could have written about watching the lightening bugs dancing around the trees and my yard
as the street lights came on and the bird song faded as the frog quartet warmed up.
I could have written about any of that. But here at the end of the day I've not much to say.
But Ego I will say this. At least I showed up...and just showing up is super important.
It was mid afternoon of a pretty ordinary day for me living in Germany. Since being overseas, I never turn on the radio but that day, I just wanted something different to listen to in the ceramic shop and I had forgotten to change the CDs out of my mini wallet. I mindlessly tuned into the American radio station. I was in a rush through checking the kilns as I would soon have to pick up my daughter from school.
"There seems to have been an accident," the DJ said "a plane
has crashed into one of the towers in New York City." It seemed like no big deal. 5 minutes later my husband came rushing in.. carrying his weapon and in full battle gear. "I just wanted to tell you I love you" he said then told me what was really happening.
The rest of the day was a blur of activity. Our post had been locked down no cars in or out until they had a plan. The post
was set up with housing on one side, the school on the other
and we all were frantically trying to get their kids.
There were only 3 TV channels and they were all running the horror over and over again. I had to turn it off and put on cartoons
a desperate attempt to preserve my child's innocence while I
tried to make sense of what was happening.
Those of us who had internet opened our homes so others
could send emails. We couldn't get through on the phones.
What I remember most about the rest of that day is wanting to
do something to not feel so helpless.
I began making tea and giving a cup to everyone who came in.
In making those pots of tea, they did exactly what William Gladstone said they would do:
"If you are cold, tea will warm you;
if you are too heated, it will cool you;
if you are depressed, it will cheer you;
if you are excited, it will calm you.”
Those pots of tea began to comfort and soothe, to bring the tension down, to offer love and hope. Making those pots of tea allowed me to step out of the helplessness and into my calling.
It was in making those pots of tea that I became a tea priestess.
Today I celebrate a little over a full month of household order since the Great Purge. As I sat
to write about it I almost wished I had taken
some 'before' pictures of my shameful secret but truthfully, I was too embarrassed. And if I need
a reminder, I can always look at the background of
almost every picture I've taken in the last few years and beyond.
In letting go of so much...stuff there were so many lessons that have come
through for me:
I learned in holding on to stuff I didn't love,
I was using my I AM spells against myself.
The truth is I AM a very organized person.
I just needed to find my own way.
I learned it takes less energy to maintain things
I love than keeping things just in case.
This physical purge was also a mental purge as I let go of
the fear based thinking and filled the space with trust that
whatever happens, I will have the resources and support
I need to see me through whatever comes up.
I learned I have more space in my day to celebrate
my mother's memory with pictures and things of hers
that not only hold her essence for me but are things I truly love.
In letting go of stuff, I let go of the mommy guilt
I had around what I 'should' be able to do. I have
a clear knowing of what I can and can't do. And
it's all perfect.
I learned for me there is a difference between
giving up and surrendering.
I learned holding on to things was one way I blocked my
own creativity. In freeing myself of the stuff, I gave myself
permission to create and share my gifts with the world.
I'm sure as we move into Mercury Retrograde on Saturday
there will be loads more lessons but I am not feeling so much
more open to the process now than I have been in the past.
I see myself turning and listening to the heart of a young woman
a circle sister who shares, “My boyfriend wants me to do things
that I’m just not comfortable with. He says if I won’t he can find
someone else who will”. She is comforted because there are other
sisters there…older women who have had similar experiences years ago
and are able to offer their wisdom
They remind her she is valuable.
I find myself surprised because even though the world has
changed so much since I was in my 20s there’s still much that has
stayed the same. In her sharing I’ve found something of value to
pass on to my daughter as she readies herself to move into the world.
I thank this 20 something sister because she has made me a better mother. “How can that be?” she asks, “I’ve never been a mother.”
I say “because I heard you with my heart”.
I see myself turning and listening to the heart of middle age woman…a circle sister who shares what she’s struggling with.
She cries out “Why won’t my body let me be mother?!”
Her sisters hold her and she is reminded of how
often she nurtures her circle sisters and cheer them on.
She is comforted by all her sisters and told that she is valuable.
“How can that be?” she asks, “I’ll never be a mother.”
And we’ll say “because we heard you with our hearts.”
I see myself turning and listening to the heart of another woman
slightly older than middle aged shares her struggles.
“I’ve spent so much time being a mother I lost myself
somewhere along the way and I don’t know how to find her again.”
We comfort her and invite her out and tell her she is valuable still.
In her sharing I’ve found something of value because I realize
I hadn’t done anything for myself in a long while so I decide to
get a babysitter and join them for dessert after the play.
I thank her and reaffirm her value.
“How can I be valuable to you?” she asks, “I’m done being a
full time mother.”
l'll say “because I heard you with our hearts.”
I see myself turning and listening to the heart of a career woman
who shares what she’s struggling with.
“I’ve just buried my parents and I have no family because I am an
only child and I chose not to have children.
Now I’m being asked when I am going to retire.
Have I wasted my life because I haven't had a child? What's left for me?”
Another sister shares how lonely she has been since
her husband died. “My kids are busy with their kids and
don’t have time for me.” And sisters all around them offer comfort and tell
them both how much they value these sister’s experiences.
The widow promises to check in with the parentless sister outside of circle.
We reaffirm their value as we tell them both
“we’ve heard you with our hearts.”
The faces of these women swim before me
young and old women enjoy each other.
As I open my eyes and see a lovely multigenerational
group of women sitting at my table
I hold back the tears of gratitude
Because the reality of what I created
is even better than what I envisioned.
I am an ancestor archeologist unearthing the treasure my ancestors left me on the physical and spiritual plane.
Many treasures were recently uncovered as my daughter and I excavated
boxes from my Mom's house;
Pictures of family who's stories came to the surface of my mind upon seeing them
Mother's Day cards from a certain little tea priestess and her siblings
Cards from my father to my mother when he was stationed in Korea
in the early 60s before they were married.
Yesterday, we found the most amazing treasure yet
a letter Mom wrote as a young newlywed to her mother shortly after her wedding
expressing her gratitude, love and hopes for the future of the relationship between them.
Grandma had saved the letters, encasing them in contact paper to preserve them.
How amazing to find this slice of personal history so lovingly saved!
My daughter sat enraptured as I read the letter to her.
"It's almost like I can hear Grandmere's voice and Great Grandma too.", she said, "They must have been close...like we are."
"Yes they were" I said, silently thanking my mom and grandma for modeling
a healthy mother/daughter relationship.
And I think that's the important thing about our stories.
It keeps our loved ones memories fresh in our minds.
We gift them a high honor by acknowledging the part they play in our
DNA when we share those stories.
We send a message to them that they mattered.
Even if it's only to us personally,their lives mattered and they are remembered.
And what is remembered lives.
To be remembered long after I'm gone, I want that for my children and for myself.
My essence will remain in the volumes of journal writings which will
give a deeper look at who I was with the future children of my bloodline
and future Goddess honoring women too.
As I finish my tea this morning, I think I'll write a letter for my children to read
after I've joined our ancestors.
Then they can be ancestor archeologists too.
How about you, dear one?
What will you leave behind
I'm Dionne, a Natural Rhythms Creation Coach and Elemental Forces of Creation Oracle Reader. I teach people how to tune into to the power of the elements and rhythms of nature to design a life they love