Dear Ego~

I almost let you talk me out of showing up.  You told me I have nothing to say 
today and I should just wait until inspirations strikes before I write something.  
So I waited and things got busy during my day and before I knew it, night was 
falling in my part of the world.  And still you tried to stop me.  You told me 
it was too late in the evening and that I should just skip today's participation in 
Effy's blog along.  But the clock hasn't struck midnight yet and I'm not Cinderella.  

So here I am with not much to say on day 5.

Today I could have written about how the sun felt warm on my skin as I went for a drive 
and how happy I am to finally be able to enjoy the sun since summer here has been so 
rainy that we haven't had a chance to do any swimming or camping or other summer fun stuff.

Today I could have written about how the temperature in August is usually stiflingly hot but it was 
very mild.  Too mild to think about going to the pool or even to run through the fountain in our historic
downtown.  

Today I could have written about how I sat out on my porch swing and knitted for a while but the 
birds and cicadas serenaded me with such sweet late summer melodies that soon sleep claimed me.  
That lovely nap on the porch was just what my body needed.

I even could have written about watching the lightening bugs dancing around the trees and my yard 
as the street lights came on and the bird song faded as the frog quartet warmed up.  

I could have written about any of that.  But here at the end of the day I've not much to say.

But Ego I will say this.  At least I showed up...and just showing up is super important. 

It was mid afternoon of a pretty ordinary day for me living in Germany.  Since being overseas, I never turn on the radio but that day, I just wanted something different to listen to in the ceramic shop and I had forgotten to change the CDs out of my mini wallet. I mindlessly tuned into the American radio station.  I was in a rush through checking the kilns as I would soon have to pick up my daughter from school.

"There seems to have been an accident," the DJ said "a plane
has crashed into one of the towers in New York City."  It seemed like no big deal.  5 minutes later my husband came rushing in.. carrying his weapon and in full battle gear.  "I just wanted to tell you I love you" he said then told me what was really happening.  

The rest of the day was a blur of activity.  Our post had been locked down no cars in or out until they had a plan. The post
was set up with housing on one side, the school on the other 
and we all were frantically trying to get their kids.  

There were only 3 TV channels and they were all running the horror over and over again.  I had to turn it off and put on cartoons
a desperate attempt to preserve my child's innocence while I 
tried to make sense of what was happening.  

Those of us who had internet opened our homes so others 
could send emails.  We couldn't get through on the phones.
What I remember most about the rest of that day is wanting to 
do something to not feel so helpless.  

I began making tea and giving a cup to everyone who came in. 
In making those pots of tea, they did exactly what William Gladstone said they would do:

"If you are cold, tea will warm you; 
if you are too heated, it will cool you; 
if you are depressed, it will cheer you; 
if you are excited, it will calm you.”

Those pots of tea began to comfort and soothe, to bring the tension down, to offer love and hope.  Making those pots of tea allowed me to step out of the helplessness and into my calling.  

It was in making those pots of tea that I became a tea priestess.

Today I celebrate a little over a full month of household order since the Great Purge.  As I sat 
to write about it I almost wished I had taken 
some 'before' pictures of my shameful secret but truthfully, I was too embarrassed.  And if I need
a reminder, I can always look at the background of 
almost every picture I've taken in the last few years and beyond.  

In letting go of so much...stuff there were so many lessons that have come
through for me:

I learned in holding on to stuff I didn't love, 
I was using my I AM spells against myself.  
The truth is I AM a very organized person. 
I just needed to find my own way.

I learned it takes less energy to maintain things 
I love than keeping things just in case.  
This physical purge was also a mental purge as I let go of 
the fear based thinking and filled the space with trust that 
whatever happens, I will have the resources and support
I need to see me through whatever comes up.

I learned I have more space in my day to celebrate 
my mother's memory with pictures and things of hers 
that not only hold her essence for me but are things I truly love.

In letting go of stuff, I let go of the mommy guilt
I had around what I 'should' be able to do.  I have 
a clear knowing of what I can and can't do.  And 
it's all perfect.

I learned for me there is a difference between
giving up and surrendering.

I learned holding on to things was one way I blocked my 
own creativity.  In freeing myself of the stuff, I gave myself 
permission to create and share my gifts with the world.

I'm sure as we move into Mercury Retrograde on Saturday
there will be loads more lessons but I am not feeling so much 
more open to the process now than I have been in the past.