"Mom is dead. Mom is dead. Mom is dead.
Maybe if I write it over and over maybe it will sink in and be real by the time I get off the plane." These were the words I wrote as I settled in for the 2 hour flight back home....well back to where my mom had lived. She wasn't there any more and from that moment on Texas stopped being home. Mom named me the excutrix of the estate. Estate...sounds so fancy and elegant. It just means everyone is dead. I wanted to run away from this. I didn't want to do it but I had to had to be the strong one, the pulled together one, the one who made the decisions and got things taken care of...that is if I could silence the howling anguished screaming voice in my brain long enough to hear myself think. Whose voice was that any way? Oh yea...it was mine. The pain of this grief was like nothing I'd ever experienced before. I was so raw...feeling like I had severe burns on my body. And there was nothing anyone could do. Nothing I could tell them to do to help me feel better. The grief books suggest not making any rash changes in the early stages. Someone should have told the company I worked for at the time. Despite my best efforts to keep my life as much the same as I possibly could, a little more than a year later I wasn't feeling any better. I tried all my usual coping mechanisms; sleeping, journaling, listening to music, eating way too many cookies yet I was still...empty. When they say time heals all wounds, they don't have any idea what you can do while your waiting. With all the final arrangements complete and nothing left but the task of picking up the piece of my life and moving forward, I begged my matron Goddesses to help me pleading with them to find something for me to fill the emptiness. 'I need something to take this pain away. How can I move forward?' I asked. Goddess Athena answered, "With yarn and needles." So I took up knitting. A friend and I had talked about learning to knit before all of this had happened and I had made an unsuccessful attempt to suggested we take a class at the local yarn shop. I signed up immediately and as soon as I walked in I was hooked. The ladies greeted me warmly and encouraged me to touch every fiber in the shop. The textures! The richness of color! And the choice of natural fibers... it is nearly impossible for me to describe how warm and comforting the simple clean smell of wool was to my broken spirit. I wanted to buy it all and make myself a chrysalis Once we settled in for class and I understood the basics of casting on, knitting and purling I was left with the others to finish the pattern for a small scarf. And the needles and yarn worked together weaving their healing spell upon me. Click (the needles touched) Swish (the yarn looped across them) Click Swish By the end of the class, I started to feel a renewed clarity and sense of purpose I thought I had lost. I felt better than I had in months. I promised I'd be back often. I found deep comfort in fiber and sticks. Whenever I couldn't breath because of sadness Click Swish My breathing smoothed out as Athena guided my needles and yarn. Whenever my mind became agitated by the million and one things on the grief to do list. Click Swish My mind stopped racing as Athena helped me focus on each pattern. Whenever I awoke in the middle of the night with my heart beating out of my chest Click Swish My heart rate slowed as Athena wrapped her arms around me. Whenever I couldn't bear one more minute of the loneliness Click Swish My knitting witnessed the pain and sadness. Athena showed me the way out where others could not. Stitch after stitch project after project I found the healing balm I was searching for. I came back to life. It is now a little more than a year since I first stepped into my local yarn shop and more than two years since my mom went on her rainbow journey. I still go back every week. But not because of the grief. For joy of new yarn in the shop, learning new techniques for the new friends celebrating finished projects and admiring others work For all of these things filling much of the space left by mom's physical absence. Knitting brought me closer to Goddess in a time when I needed her most. And I am deeply grateful for the connection. 1/11/2011 01:17:23
Beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing that Dionne. I love how Athena gave you such practical advice for healing. I love this, Dionne! I know I and many others get a huge sense of peace out of working with fiber - it's so soothing to do something that you know women before you for generations have done. It's a thread that ties us all together, if you will. I'm so glad Athena gave you wisdom that could help you through your grief.
Amanda
1/11/2011 12:46:06
Lovely post. Knitting brings me a lot of comfort as well. This brought tears to my eyes and gave me chills. What a powerful intervention by your goddess, and what a beautiful way to keep your spirit strong when it was failing. (I've always wanted to learn to knit, but I contented myself with casting on over and over and over. A bit of a metaphor for my own life.)
Dionne the Tea Priestess
2/11/2011 05:35:05
@FaerieDaughter~ Thank you doll! Athena is very good at giving practical solutions. I am blessed to have her as one of my matrons
Oh my - I could have written this about how I dealt with my mum's death - except I would replace knitting with sewing. My mum taught me to sew, and after her funeral I brought home her sewing machine and some of her unfinished projects - some quilts, a teddy bear, doll clothes, etc. I too signed up for a class to gain the skills I needed. That year, I made every single Christmas gift I gave, and then some! I still have the extras sitting in a cupboard. 2/11/2011 19:39:17
Thank you so much for sharing your journey. There really is something so wonderfully healing about stitching up the missing parts in your life with, as you said, yarn, needs, a click and a swish!! Enjoy your weaving in your projects and your life!! 6/11/2011 04:51:33
This is almost a healing balm just in the reading of it. I would love to see some of your creations if your of a mind to share. Comments are closed.
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Blessings!I'm Dionne, a Natural Rhythms Creation Coach and Elemental Forces of Creation Oracle Reader. I teach people how to tune into to the power of the elements and rhythms of nature to design a life they love I WRITE:
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