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Athena's wisdom (aka how knitting saved my life)

31/10/2011

 
"Mom is dead.  Mom is dead.  Mom is dead.
Maybe if I write it over and over maybe it will sink in
and be real by the time I get off the plane."

These were the words  I wrote as I settled in for the 2 hour
flight back home....well back to where my mom had lived. 
She wasn't there any more and from that moment on
Texas stopped being home. 

Mom named me the excutrix of the estate.
Estate...sounds so fancy and elegant. 
It just means everyone is dead. 

I wanted to run away from this.

I didn't want to do it but I had to
had to be the strong one,
the pulled together one, the one who made the decisions
and got things taken care of...that is if I could silence the howling
anguished screaming voice in my brain long enough to hear myself think. 

Whose voice was that any way?  Oh yea...it was mine.

The pain of this grief was like nothing I'd ever experienced before. 
I was so raw...feeling like I had severe burns on my body. 
And there was nothing anyone could do.
Nothing I could tell them to do to help me feel better. 

The grief books suggest not making any rash changes in the
early stages.  Someone should have told the company I worked for at
the time.

Despite my best efforts to keep my life as much the same
as I possibly could, a little more than a year later
I wasn't feeling any better.

I tried all my usual coping mechanisms; sleeping, journaling, listening to music,
eating way too many cookies yet I was still...empty.

When they say time heals all wounds, they don't have any idea what you can
do while your waiting.  With all the final arrangements complete
and nothing left but the task of picking up the piece of my life and moving forward,

I begged my matron Goddesses to help me
pleading with them to find something for me
to fill the emptiness.

'I need something to take this pain away.
How can I move forward?' I asked.
Goddess Athena answered, "With yarn and needles."

So I took up knitting.
 
A friend and I had talked about learning to knit
before all of this had happened and I had made
an unsuccessful attempt to suggested we take a class at the local yarn shop. 
I signed up immediately and as soon as I walked in I was hooked.  

The ladies greeted me warmly and encouraged me to touch every fiber in the shop.

The textures! The richness of color!
And the choice of natural fibers...
it is nearly impossible for me to describe how warm
and comforting the simple clean smell of wool
was to my broken spirit.

I wanted to buy it all and make myself a chrysalis

Once we settled in for class and I understood the basics of casting on,
knitting and purling I was left with the others to finish the pattern for a small scarf. 
And the needles and yarn worked together weaving their healing spell
upon me.

Click (the needles touched)
Swish (the yarn looped across them)
Click
Swish

By the end of the class, I started to feel a renewed clarity and sense of
purpose I thought I had lost.  I felt better than I had in months.
I promised I'd be back often. 

I found deep comfort in fiber and sticks.

Whenever I couldn't breath because of sadness
Click
Swish
My breathing smoothed out as Athena guided my
needles and yarn.

Whenever my mind became agitated by the million and one
things on the grief to do list.
Click
Swish
My mind stopped racing as Athena helped me focus
on each pattern.

Whenever I awoke in the middle of the night with my heart beating
out of my chest
Click
Swish
My heart rate slowed as Athena wrapped her arms around me.

Whenever I couldn't bear one more minute of the loneliness
Click
Swish
My knitting witnessed the pain and sadness.

Athena showed me the way out where others could not.

Stitch after stitch
project after project
I found the healing balm I was searching for.

I came back to life.

It is now a little more than a year since I first stepped into
my local yarn shop and more than two years since my
mom went on her rainbow journey.
I still go back every week.

But not because of the grief.

For joy of new yarn in the shop, learning new techniques
for the new friends celebrating finished projects and admiring others work
For all of these things filling much of the space left by mom's physical absence. 

Knitting brought me closer to Goddess in
a time when I needed her most.

And I am deeply grateful for the connection.
FaerieDaughter link
1/11/2011 01:17:23

Beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing that Dionne. I love how Athena gave you such practical advice for healing.

Sara link
1/11/2011 01:47:28

Ah, to have found something that is not just a healing balm, but also a joy, that is fabulous!

Michelle link
1/11/2011 03:29:10

I love this, Dionne! I know I and many others get a huge sense of peace out of working with fiber - it's so soothing to do something that you know women before you for generations have done. It's a thread that ties us all together, if you will. I'm so glad Athena gave you wisdom that could help you through your grief.

Jo link
1/11/2011 04:30:06

Such a beautiful post of remembrance and healing through sacred crafts. Love it - and Athena - for showing you a way through.

Allurynn link
1/11/2011 06:31:12

Oh Dionne, what a beautiful post. I'm always amazed at the variety of ways healing can show up when we are open to receiving it. What a wonderful healing tool you've been gifted ♥

Amanda
1/11/2011 12:46:06

Lovely post. Knitting brings me a lot of comfort as well.

I'm very sorry about the loss of your mother.

Ellie Di link
2/11/2011 02:12:24

This brought tears to my eyes and gave me chills. What a powerful intervention by your goddess, and what a beautiful way to keep your spirit strong when it was failing. (I've always wanted to learn to knit, but I contented myself with casting on over and over and over. A bit of a metaphor for my own life.)

Dionne the Tea Priestess
2/11/2011 05:35:05

@FaerieDaughter~ Thank you doll! Athena is very good at giving practical solutions. I am blessed to have her as one of my matrons

@Sara~ It is fabulous...and highly recommended!

@Jo~ It's such a blessing to be able to come to this art in the way I did.

@Alluryn~ What you said is really key...I had to be open to receiving that healing. I spent a lot of time doing what the books said I should do and doing so just prolonged my sadness.

@Amanda~ thank you dear soul. It's been a long road without her but I am so filled with gratitude for all the wonderful lessons I've learned and can now share from my journey.

@ Ellie Di~ With each project it really has felt like I've been weaving the pieces of me back together.

Linnette link
2/11/2011 10:45:10

It's like the rhythm of the knitting grounded you into a soothing, contemplative state. Much like a heartbeat. Lovely tribute to your mom!

michelle link
2/11/2011 11:22:12

Oh my - I could have written this about how I dealt with my mum's death - except I would replace knitting with sewing. My mum taught me to sew, and after her funeral I brought home her sewing machine and some of her unfinished projects - some quilts, a teddy bear, doll clothes, etc. I too signed up for a class to gain the skills I needed. That year, I made every single Christmas gift I gave, and then some! I still have the extras sitting in a cupboard.

And I truly do not know how I would have gotten through that first year without sewing. It gave me something to focus on, I felt close to Mum while using her sewing machine, there was a small glimpse of a smile when I completed a project.

Beautiful post, thank you for sharing.

Nikki Turner link
2/11/2011 19:39:17

Thank you so much for sharing your journey. There really is something so wonderfully healing about stitching up the missing parts in your life with, as you said, yarn, needs, a click and a swish!! Enjoy your weaving in your projects and your life!!

LoLi (Love & Light)

Nikki x

Elinor link
2/11/2011 23:19:01

Dionne, this is beautiful. I too have found deep consolation in yarn and needles. <3

Sheila Heichel link
6/11/2011 04:51:33

This is almost a healing balm just in the reading of it. I would love to see some of your creations if your of a mind to share.

Goddess love


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    Blessings!

    I'm Dionne, a Natural Rhythms Creation Coach and Elemental Forces of Creation Oracle Reader.  I teach people how to tune into to the power of the elements and rhythms of nature to design a life they love 

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